The Point

“What is the point of your art?”

“To reach out and touch people from beyond the grave.”

Into The Flesh – Day 15

“There was a wedding. You were seated at the back watching the ceremony when it came to the moment of reckoning. A man steps up to the microphone and asks if anyone objects to this union while the groom stares at the bride who is staring at you and a woman on your left whispers: don’t say anything.’

‘What’s the strangest thing to have happened to you?’

‘Shit! I’ve had a few of them. I had a body swap once.’

‘A body swap?’

‘I went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.’

‘Were drugs involved or are you speaking metaphorically?’

‘I mean: I went to bed with one woman and when I woke up there was a different one next to me. Similar in looks but another person entirely.’

‘Where were you when this happened?’

‘I was at the apartment of the woman I went to bed with.’

‘Were you involved with this woman in some way or was this some one night stand?’

‘We were supposed to be very much involved.’

‘Okay, let me get this straight. You went to bed with a woman at her place. She got up and another woman took her her place while you were asleep?’

‘You nailed it Sherlock!’

‘Why?’

‘Fuck knows!’

‘What did you do once you realised?’

‘Well that’s the thing. I didn’t realise until after the fact. The room was dimly lit and frankly when you go to bed with someone, well, that’s who you expect to be waking up next to.’

‘So, how did you come to the realisation that it wasn’t the same woman?’

‘Well that’s where it gets stranger. I was getting the train in to town years later when two guys approach me and one of them says: ‘You sodomised my girlfriend.’

‘How did you react to that?’

‘I told him that I usually just shake hands then went to move on but he wasn’t finished. He then tells me that she had an abortion and I inform him that unless she pinched off a three kilo turd that it has nothing to do with me but still he hasn’t finished. Turns out that he is speaking for the guy next to him and that the guy is thinking of settling down with this lass and wants my advice.’

‘Erm, what the hell?’

‘I know, I just told him to go with his heart and got my move on.’

‘Hold on, how do you know that this all connected?’

‘I know but that is all that I am willing to share.’

‘Okay, and that is that then?’

‘Yip’

‘What now?’

‘Well, there have been moments in life where I wiped the slate clean and started over but this time is different. I’m giving you the slate and I am walking away. Do with it what you will but always remember that it is no longer a part of me.”

Into The Flesh – Day 14

“Sometimes it is a good idea to talk to the dead even if it just as a reminder of where we are going. A reminder to make the most of every breath we take.’

‘Have you ever had any near death experiences?’

‘Oh, I died years back. I’ve been a ghost for over fourteen years now.’

‘How did that come about?’

‘A spike in a legal drug. It killed my heart.’

‘And yet here you are, without a heart.’

‘It’s funny how things work out isn’t it.’

‘So you don’t feel anything then?’

‘I feel the emptiness in others. Their mundane, repetitive existence desperately grasping at fantasies to try and climb out of the dullness of who they are.’

‘Why do you think you feel them.’

‘Because they are the ones who killed me. The source of my loss. Those blank faced liars, deceivers, parasites running on a disproportionate love of self.’

‘Narcissists?’

‘Narcissism, self love, same thing. Short sighted ego trippers.’

‘You seem bitter.’

‘I should be but I’m not. I’m disappointed.’

‘Why the disappointment?’

‘Because it could have been so much better. I lost years helping others understand things that they only truly grasped with retrospect and then I had to watch them repeat the same mistakes in a different environment.’

‘You’re not bitter, you’re frustrated.’

‘That I am.’

‘Drink?’

‘Drink.’

‘Here’s to brighter days!’

‘Hmm, it is darkest before the dawn.’

Into The Flesh – Day 13

“Some will long for what past them by but the battle hardened know better than to clutch on to what could have been. They do however suffer from a strange kind of melancholy. Having seen the worst, they care too much for brighter outcomes to want to be a part of them. Feeling more at ease in the shadows.’

‘Were you ever in the forces?’

‘Nope.’

‘Yet, there is a hint of the military about you.’

‘I grew up around men who went to war and women who had to deal with the consequences of these wars.’

‘So, in a way, conflict was part of you growing up.’

‘Very much so.’

‘Would you say that this affected the way you interact or feel about people?’

‘It’s been an influence but not what drives me.’

‘Okay, what drives you then?’

‘Rhythm and rhyme. From the music created by humankind to the poetry of the wild.’

‘What do you mean by: the poetry of the wild?’

‘Take the cycle of life as rhymes. Each newborn a blend of the generations that came before them and all set to the rhythm of the planet. It is all there to read, you just have to sit quietly and pay attention.’

‘Mmm, you don’t have the next generation on the way. Why is that?’

‘I wasn’t given the luxury of choice.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You know what I mean’

‘Okay, I won’t pry any further. Maybe the future will put that choice on the table.’

‘No it won’t. My art is my child and that is the way it shall stay.’

‘Never say never!’

‘You’re pushing it.’

‘I know, I just think that…’

‘Let me tell you a story. A singer gets drunk one night, really drunk and during this session he hears a thud on the French window. He gets up and staggers outside to find a dying crow. The crow is in pain and is not going to make it so he puts it out of its misery. He then goes back inside, drinks some more and then with pen and paper he writes a song about the dead bird.’

‘Okay and how does this relate to what we are talking about?’

‘Well, I didn’t kill the crow.’

Into The Flesh – Day 12

“Freedom can be found through thought. The mind can let you escape to wherever you wish if you let it take you there. An ability that is crucial in the most dire times of trouble. As it allows a bit of respite when everything has turned so very dark.’

‘Are you a daydreamer?’

‘I was called that in school but really I was just thinking about other things.’

‘What sort of things?’

‘Projects. I would formulate them in my head then work on them when I got home. I liked to build vehicles, both small and large.’

‘Were you planning on going somewhere?’

‘Oh, I like to be on the move. As a kid I’d disappear in to the wilderness. Hiking through the hills or cycling through the woods. Now I let my mind roam.’

‘Where did the vehicles you built fit in to this?’

‘Mmm, I suppose they were prototypes for how I wanted to travel. A fast car, a plane, a boat. I never made a train strangely enough.’

‘Why is that strange?’

‘Because it is my favourite way to travel.’

‘So you like things to be laid down on rails?’

‘Oh I go off the beaten track far too often to say that that is the case. Trains just have a great sense of destination and you can mingle in ways that you can’t on other forms of transport.’

‘You can mingle on a ship.’

‘Trains don’t sink or have to deviate course because of the weather. You get on and nothing is going to stop you from getting to destination.’

‘Does this reflect your train of thought?’

‘Yeah, I suppose it does.’

‘What would a station reflect then?’

‘An option.’

‘An opportunity to settle down maybe?’

‘It could be that but those haven’t worked out very well for me. Maybe I just go off at the wrong station.’

‘Were there other stations that you wished you stopped off at?’

‘A couple yeah, but I didn’t get off did I. I just watched the waves of hands as the train left with me on it.’

‘That sounds like regret.’

‘It is but it is best to take it as a lesson learned. It’s a gentle thought really. A moment to ponder what may have been but never will be. A reminder that…’

‘That?’

‘A reminder that a simple gesture can change everything.’

Into The Flesh – Day 11

“Leave life to luck and it will pass you by, taking with it both hope and desire. Live in hope and you will miss what is right in front of you. Run purely on desire and all too late you will come to the realisation that you spent your life running away from who you should of been.’

‘Do you leave anything to chance?’

‘Only what I have little control over.’

‘Could you give me an example?’

‘People! When you meet someone for the first time, you make a quick assessment of who they are and whether you like them or not. If you like them then you’ll probably find a way to spend more time with them and if you don’t you’ll be looking for a way to get the hell out of dodge.

Now those first impressions may push you in to the arms of someone who will prove detrimental to you or maybe they’ll bring something in to your life to cherish. It’s a coin toss where deciding too quickly can lead to disaster and not moving fast enough can insure that what may have been a beautiful friendship never comes in to being.’

‘So you don’t believe in fate or that people are destined to meet?’

‘I’ll say no to that although on the rare occasion some things fit together that feel as if they were meant to be.’

‘The exception doesn’t make the rule.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Are you quick to judge people?

‘I sum people up in seconds. The broad strokes at least. If I find someone interesting then I’ll get in to the details but that requires time.’

‘Do people judge you quickly?’

‘Oh hell yeah, they’re never right though.’

‘How come?’

‘Most people are shallow and zone in on the surface of a person. So I’m a metalhead who drinks too much and likes to fuck.’

‘There is a side of you that comes off that way.’

‘Oh I play it up for the show but frankly the broad strokes are that I’m a music lover who enjoys good drink, good food and good company. When it comes to intimacy well I like it to be intimate. Fucking is just purging an urge and can leave you feeling very empty if you’re not careful.’

‘You’ve done your fair share of fucking haven’t you?’

‘True but it was always understood before it happened. We all have physical needs and it can be disastrous to go against them. Still, it is equally disastrous to just run with them. The key to keeping body and mind healthy is honesty. Don’t tag people along, be honest about how you feel in the moment and at what point you are at in your life. People will either get it or they won’t. If they don’t then move on and if they do then you can come to an understanding that will be beneficial to both of you.’

‘That sounds like a transaction more than a relationship.’

‘Life may be a business for some but it isn’t for me. Be honest and eventually you’ll see the honesty coming out of those around you.’

‘Lead by example?’

‘Is there really any other way to lead?”

Into The Flesh – Day 10

“Often alone yet never lonely. Solitude can be a moment to breathe and to let thoughts flow freely. An abode for the creative mind and the injured soul alike.’

‘Do you enjoy working with others?’

‘Yeah, just haven’t done it for years.’

‘Why is that?’

‘A lack of reliability and punctuality on their part.’

‘I can understand that being problematic.’

‘It is and usually ends with unfinished projects.’

‘Yet you still enjoy working with others.’

‘Yeah, it’s nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of.’

‘Do you get better results when working with others?’

‘If there is a good connection yeah. If not I’m better going solo which is why I’ve been going solo for so long.’

‘So you have trouble finding people to connect with?’

‘No, that’s fairly easy. Having these connections be reliable and punctual is a whole other story.’

‘Time is money I suppose.’

‘No, time is life. From the moment we are born we are on the clock so someone who wastes your time is robbing you of a part of life that you can never get back.’

‘Mmm, would you say that you are an impatient person?’

‘I used to have the patience of a saint but not any more. Now I’m only patient with certain people and even there that depends if I feel that patience is required.’

‘Why the change?’

‘Simple: I’ve been fucked around too many times by too many people.’

‘That makes sense. Has this been a general theme in your life?’

‘In the important areas yeah. I’ve bust my ass on projects only to have the carpet whipped from under me and on a more personal level, well…’

‘Well?’

‘Empty promises, misleading behaviour, outright lies…I reached the point of not giving a shit or believing the words escaping the lips of a so called loved one.’

‘Is that where your trust issues come from?’

‘Fucking right it is! That’s why I fly solo in more ways than one.’

‘I understand.’

‘Do you?’

‘I really do.’

‘You know what? I believe you do.’

Into The Flesh – Day 09

“Knowing that there is a dark cloud looming over your life does not help in making it dissipate. Only time can ride out the storm.’

‘What do you think about nihilism?’

‘I don’t care much for it.’

‘Would you consider yourself to be a nihilist.’

‘No, I’m a disillusioned optimist.’

‘So you’ve lost hope?’

‘Oh, hope went out the window years back. I look at what is and do what I can to move forward.’

‘So you’re not completely disillusioned then.’

‘I could crack a smile in the pits of hell but that doesn’t mean I’m happy. You know, you can use all the energy you have left in you to make one step forward then something or someone pushes you back a couple of steps. You can completely give up but if you do you’ll be three steps back. Either way you have to accept that you’re not getting ahead.’

‘Your cynicism could make a clown cry!’

‘Hey, people would pay good money to see that. Every cloud has a silver bullet doesn’t it?’

‘Haha and in walks sarcasm.’

‘It goes with the territory.’

‘You seem to have kept your sense of humour regardless of whatever else may have changed.’

‘You either laugh it off or lay down and die. I was wired to survive so I keep going.’

‘Well that’s something in itself isn’t it?’

‘It is and I do find little pleasures in life to make sure that I don’t throw in the towel.’

‘What kind of pleasures?’

‘I like to smoke a cigarette under a pensive moon. Cradle a good whisky while listening to some evening tunes or find the highest point in nature where I can then sit and take in the wilderness.’

‘Sounds like you enjoy solitude.’

‘I do.’

‘Has that always been your nature?’

‘It has but I suppose my life and the encounters I’ve had along the way have amplified that side of me.’

‘People make you want to be alone?’

‘A lot of them do yeah. There’s a side to human nature that is egocentric and parasitical. Some people are more inclined that way than others and the ones who are more inclined that way will suck the life right out of you. You’re better off without them or to put it another way: If you can’t find the good ones then you’re better off alone.’

‘How would you define: the good ones?’

‘Those who complete you or bring something to the table. Those who put a smile on your face by simply existing or inspire you or bring out the best in your personality.’

‘And you have people like that in your life?’

‘Yeah, no man’s an island and I’ve been lucky as far as friends go.’

‘Mmm, you strike me as a bit of a man’s man. Do you have any female friends?’

‘About half of my friends are women.’

‘Were any of these women more than friends at any point?’

‘Oh it happened but it didn’t work out on that level. The friendship prevailed though.’

‘Why didn’t it work out?’

‘Because love works in mysterious ways.’

There’s more to it than that isn’t there?’

‘Yip.’

‘And you’re not going to tell me are you.’

‘Nope.”

Into The Flesh – Day 08

“How do you define an ever evolving mind? How can you pin point something that by its very nature shifts, dodges and strikes at the most unexpected moment?

‘Would you say that there is a pattern to your life?

‘I smoke, I drink and go for a piss when I wake up.’

‘When do you wake up?’

‘Depends on when I fell asleep. You know, you should have been a dentist as you seem to like pulling teeth.’

‘Funny. Okay. Do you have regular sleep patterns?’

‘I sleep six hours on average but I don’t go to bed and get up at set times.’

‘Do you have trouble getting to sleep?’

‘Only when I run out of sheep to count.’

‘I’ll take that as a yes.’

‘You do that.’

‘You really have your moments don’t you!’

‘Oh look, a butterfly. Seriously though: give me something to chew on and you’ll get straight answers.’

‘Okay then. Let us talk some more about your rapport with the opposite sex.’

‘I’m beginning to think that my sex life is a bit of an obsession for you. Tell me: do you masturbate while going back over our conversations?’

‘I try not to.’

‘Ha! That’s the spirit. Alright then, what garden path do you want to go down this time?’

‘You made it clear to me that you’ve been hurt by women in one way or another throughout your life yet you seem to have retained a great affection for them. Why is that?’

‘For every one that hurt me there was another who tended the wound no matter how deep it was. It can be too easy to focus on the pain and overlook those who mean you well and I did lash out at those trying to help at times. However, they ignored my words and focused on the wound and I love them for that.’

‘So you managed to let go of the pain.’

‘With assistance, yeah.’

‘Do you think you could have done it alone?’

‘I could have but it would of taken a lot longer. Even with helping hands it took years in a couple of cases so, alone, I’d probably still be dragging that pain around with me.’

‘Could you maybe tell me about one of those cases?’

‘No, it’s all water under the bridge now but I will tell you about a lass I met at a nightclub many years ago as an example of someone who couldn’t let go.’

‘Okay.’

‘I was out on the piss with the lads as us gentlemen like to put it when this lass came up to me and started talking. I explained to her that we were having a boys night out and that even if it wasn’t the case that I was in no way looking for a girlfriend. She stuck around anyway so I bluntly told her that at best she’d be a fuck and forget, thinking that might put her off but it didn’t. After about an hour of this I gave her my number and told her to call me and we could talk over coffee. That did the trick and I got to finish the evening with the lads.’

‘I gather she called?’

‘Oh she called alright, just not for coffee. She gave me some speech about a friend of hers who had had her drink spiked and that she was at her place freaking out. She asked me if I could come over and help out as her friend started panicking as soon as she got close to her. It all sounded a bit off to me but I thought I’d better go and check out the situation. I went round to her place and right enough there was this other girl sitting on the bedroom floor and looking completely out of it. I approached her slowly, crouched down and asked her name and what had happened. She was wild eyed and shaking as she told me that some girl drugged her and tried to take her home. I turned to look at her friend who proclaimed that it wasn’t her. I believed her as the drugged girl confirmed it and added that she just didn’t want another woman near her because of what had happened. Anyway, it took a while but I got the girl to calm down, drink some water then I put her to bed. I waited for her to fall asleep then went through to the kitchen to talk with the girl who had called me in the first place.’

‘How did that conversation go?’

‘Well, as if the evening hadn’t been strange enough, when I entered the kitchen there was another guy there. The girl explained that she had called him just in case I hadn’t come over and that once I had arrived she had forgotten to let him know. He added that he was going to come over anyway then looked at her and said: ‘You’d better tell him or I will!’

Now when he said that I assumed it had something to do with the girl in the bedroom but no it was a whole different story. What he was getting at was that the girl who called me had been so set on getting close to me that night at the club because I looked like her ex boyfriend. In short she was having trouble getting over the ending of the relationship and wanted to keep it going by finding a doppelganger.’

‘What happened next?’

‘I went home and got some sleep.”

Into The Flesh – Day 07

“Raw nerves can become second nature. The twitching brought on by years of blows can become a still cold ready to erupt into a burst of extreme violence at the slightest physical contact. Tread lightly the closer you get and announce that you are coming before even thinking about taking a step.’

‘Is life important to you?’

‘Mine? Yours? In general?’

‘In general.’

‘A life worth living is important.’

‘What’s a life worth living.’

‘One where you achieve what you want without destroying others.’

‘Have you destroyed others?’

‘It’s always an option but never my intent.’

‘Is that a yes?’

‘Not that I’m aware of.’

‘Okay, I think a drink and maybe some background music is in order. Any objections?’

‘Go for it.’

‘Do you like Miles Davis?’

‘I prefer Coltrane.’

‘Coltrane it is. Whiskey?’

‘How about bourbon this time?’

‘Bourbon it is. Will that lighten up the mood?’

‘It will put me in a different one.’

‘One that will tell me what is chewing your brain?’

‘Nope.’

‘Then I guess we just drink and listen to the music.’

‘Sometimes it is the only way.’